Julia Renee  
 
 
 
Cash: An Autobiography--A Very Good Read
Sat, Sep 19 2009
I credit my ex-husband with many things that have led to who I am today even if our marriage didn’t work out.  The one present in my mind at the moment is my love for Johnny Cash.  It began shortly after we were married and working with a youth group. He played Man in Black to describe why priests wore the dark colors. While none of the Episcopal Priests with whom we spoke (or Catholic ones I’ve ever known for that matter) ever acknowledged whether Mr. Cash’s song explained why they wore black, that one song answered a lot of questions for me.  It was also the sparks of the fire that has become my complete awe at this man and his life.

The casual respect and acceptance of the fact that I appreciate this great man’s music has become, in recent years, a necessity.  Johnny Cash songs run the gamut of being funny, dark, silly, and calm. Even those songs that were sung live at Folsom Prison where it’s apparent he’s fired up and excited with the energy of the people around him are laced with a calm, quite undertone that is something I understand. 

So, when I came across Cash: The Autobiography in a box of free books, I had to pick it up, even though my experience with famous people’s autobiographies usually end in frustration. Most famous people (actors, singers, etc.) are great at what they do, but are not great writers.  So, when I began reading, imagine my surprise when I became transfixed.  I’ve read few authors that have such a distinct Voice. The disclaimer here is that, as many of my friends and family know, the vast majority of my reading is fiction, which is a completely different animal. In fact, that’s been the biggest issue I’ve had reading nonfiction is that the author’s Voice can irk me if it’s not conducive to reading (e.g., more like conversation) or if s/he hasn’t discovered her/his Voice at all and it’s a disjunct mess of stories that have no consistency.

This is far from the case with this book.

From the first page, I could hear his voice reading the words to me slowly and telling me his stories as if we’re at one of his houses, which is part of its charm. The book itself is more a collection of musings and beliefs than a cohesive story with a beginning, middle, and end. It’s separated in parts and he writes each part from a different home; each home brings forth different memories, different stories, different ideas.  Throughout the entire book, though, is this calm, peaceful Voice of an elderly man who has lived an extraordinary life and simply wants to share it with you. 

It’s not a page-turner by any means—it took me a couple months to read it—but it’s something that I will probably go back to, for it is dripping with wisdom. It’s not only in his words, but in his mistakes, in his triumphs, in the pride you can’t help but feel as he talks about his children and his grandchildren, the love he has for June, and the gratitude he feels to be able to live the life he was able to live. 

I can say that there are few nonfiction books that have made me feel lacking at the end, and this one does it, but only as a matter of timing. I stumbled upon the book after he passed away and can give me no more.  I cannot write him and tell him how much his Voice soothes me, how much his songs speak to me—a punk and rock enthusiast who turned her nose at all things country for a long time—and how much I respect his desire to live a balanced life.  In return, however, I can highly recommend you read this book to soak up the wisdom of this incredibly wise, gentle man who simply wants to live his life to please his God.
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Posted By: admin at 06:50 pm
Coping
Sat, Jul 18 2009
Place: Home (a messy one at that)
Music: The Beatles first, then switched to the Cold Mountain Soundtrack
Dose: Cymbalta 20 mg/day

I began today working on my story for the Thank God I...book I said I'd head up: Thank God I'm Depressed. After a page-and-a-half, I stopped for a couple reasons. First, I was talking in circles. The first couple paragraphs describe depression from my point of view quite well, but getting into the point and what has brought me to the part where I'm grateful became difficult to describe so I stopped. Second, I began wondering how much would need to be changed. Since the point of Thank God I... is to equilibrate, when you write your story, someone goes through it to help you rewrite it without the emotionally charged language. I switched gears and began journaling. It became apparent to me quickly that reminding myself of how Depression affected me emotionally and physically brought me back to a Depressive state. Oh the irony!

The rest of the day has moved pretty slowly since then. Although I was able to be somewhat mindful of what I was doing and was still able to listen to where the Universe led me (first to a new spiritual bookstore in Newport, then to the Salvation Army Store, then to an open house, then home, then In 'N Out for dinner), I gave up fairly quickly on the idea of being completely mindful and turned on the radio. Singing helps me so much, I've found, that I want music on as much as possible. This week, especially, with the layoffs, I begin my day with the Cold Mountain soundtrack before moving on to something else. There's something about the rhythms and the music that soothe me in ways I can't really explain. Even now, I'm Going Home just started and I felt it through my entire being--tingles through my arms and chest that switch to goose bumps. As many issues as I have with the Christian Church, the old spirituals move me.

It's in times like these where I deny myself very little. I drive around and see what feels interesting to do.I eat comfort food--today it was In 'N Out, but Wednesday while I was waiting for the layoff announcement that I knew was coming (& missed), it was grilled cheese and fried zucchini from Bill's Burgers. I stay off the sugar and alcohol for it'll make me crash more, but I buy what feels right (today, a candle, a wishing pot, a meditation pillow, a CD, and two pairs of jeans), I listen to what will make me sing along, and tonight I'll watch at least one movie. 

Since I've been weaning myself off the anti-depressants, I've found the mood swings are more severe. There's still not much anger, but there is excitement and melancholy that has gone up and down quite a few times this week. I can always pinpoint the triggers, but it's harder to get back to that even, peaceful place. It's also much easier for my mind to go bonkers and for me to over-analyze things, leading to worry. The issue with weaning myself off the pills is not the side effects (although they are a pain--that scratching that I can hear in my brain is particularly irksome), but the realization that I need to be particularly vigilant about controlling my thoughts. It's so easy for me to focus on what I don't have (a partner, a condo, a finished novel) rather than what I do have (family and friends that love and support me, two cats that provide hours of entertainment, plenty of books to read and movies to watch, and a great job with great people, among many other things).

So at this moment, I'm asking myself, why am I thankful I'm depressed?

The goal of being anti-depressant free has forced me to learn how to cope with those feelings--both good and bad--that wash over me in tidal waves.  

  • It forces me to spoil myself, which I still have issues doing, but which I'm learning to do.  
  • It forces me to slow down, for the physical ache in my veins hinders me from going very quickly.  
  • Today, it's given me the craving for song.  
  • It's helped me listen to the Universe and what places I should go that will help me for the time being. 

While it's not easy, it is what the Universe has given me and I know it can be worse. I know it has been worse. I also know that it will be better tomorrow. I just need to get through each minute of each hour of the rest of this day (that's one important thing I learned from the guy I dated who was in AA). Sleep will make things better. Tomorrow is another day. In the meantime, I'm just going slowly and trying to focus on the good.
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Posted By: admin at 09:40 pm
Our Purpose in Life
Fri, Jun 26 2009
Place: Bella Monte Hotel & Spa, Desert Hot Springs, California
Mood: Grateful

I'm in Desert Hot Springs for the weekend with Heidi & Megan for Heidi's birthday. The hotel is totally awesome. It's amazingly chill and the vibe is wonderful. I had a couple hours today to hang out in the spa tub, relax, and read a bit from Seale's Intuitive Living: A Sacred Path. Today, I read about the gifts we're born with and those things we contribute to the world around us. Given in the book is a quote from Agnes de Mille's biography about Martha Graham one day when the two were talking.

Martha said to me, very quietly, "There is a vitality, a life force, an energy, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all of time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and it will be lost. The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine how good it is nor how valuable nor how it compares with other expressions. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open. You do not even have to believe in yourself or your work. You have to keep yourself open and aware to the urges that motivate you. Keep the channel open.

Regardless of the fact that we are continually reborn, no one else in time will have my combination of talents in soul and in body. Between these two and the fact that we are constantly evolving into more complete, more aware, more conscious people, no one else will be able to give the world what I can give it. No one's brain works like mine; no one's emotions are like mine; no one will be able to hone his/her talents in the exact same way that I can. As small as I am in the Universe, I can and do contribute something to the world around me and it is completely up to me how much I use it to help others and to serve the world.The book also states,

Your work is very important. You are very important. But then so is everyone. The problem is that not everyone recognizes how important they are and their work is in the service of the world, in the service of Love. Your job is not to tell others how important they are. Your job is to know how important you are and to live your life, every moment, every breath, every action, in service to Love. Others will begin to see and know and understand and learn of their own importance as Love-servers as they are in your presence.

What else needs to be said? I'm living my purpose as we speak and seeking to live and Love and serve.

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Posted By: admin at 08:47 pm
An Ironic Song About Life
Sun, Jun 21 2009
Gravedigger

Words & music by Dave Matthews
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RzJXr8kuefY

Cyrus Jones 1810 to 1913
Made his great grandchildren believe
You could live to a hundred and three
A hundred and three is forever when you're just a little kid
So Cyrus Jones lived forever

Gravedigger
When you dig my grave
Could you make it shallow
So that I can feel the rain
Gravedigger

Muriel Stonewall 1903 to 1954
She lost both of her babies in the second great war
Now you should never have to watch
Your only children lowered in the ground
I mean you should never have to bury your own babies

Gravedigger
When you dig my grave
Could you make it shallow
So that I can feel the rain
Gravedigger

Ring around the rosey
Pocket full of posey
Ashes to ashes
We all fall down

Gravedigger
When you dig my grave
Could you make it shallow
So that I can feel the rain
Gravedigger

Little Mikey Carson 67 to 75
He rode his Bike like the devil until the day he died
When he grows up he wants to be Mr. Vertigo on the flying trapeze
Ohhh, 1940 to 1992

Gravedigger
When you dig my grave
Could you make it shallow
So that I can feel the rain
Gravedigger
When you dig my grave
Could you make it shallow
So that I can feel the rain
Feel the rain
I can feel the rain
Gravedigger
Gravedigger

All day this song has been in my head. I must have listened to it ten times today. Every time I hear it, I get chills down my spine. It's such a vivid image in my head. This song is about living, not about dying. In order to make this request, there has to have been a time when you stood in the rain. I can just feel it on my skin--the prickly drizzle of California winter; the large, drenching raindrops from a freak summer rainstorm. The song is about enjoying life when it happens; it's about seeing the beauty in everything regardless. It's about stopping to feel the rain on your skin and in your hair and making its way through your clothes and your shoes into areas that are normally covered. It's about finding the magic in what the Universe gives us. It's about the beauty and the tragedy and the wonder that life brings us and appreciating it because there will come a time when we will not be able to experience things as we can now.

Yes, I believe our souls continue beyond death of the physical cast where it lives for the time being, and I believe that it can and may very well be a better life than the one I experience now. However, that doesn't mean that I shouldn't appreciate what God has placed in front of me now. There is so much every single day that is awe-inspiring and we miss it because we're too busy working and going through the routine that we miss it. I've missed it. I've spent too much time the last couple months inside working that I have forgotten to appreciate the beauty of what Is, of what God has created, of what the Universe is showing me. Shame on me. I will certainly try to do better, but I'm sure I will forget. In the meantime, though, I have reminders like this one to work their way through my head and into my life.
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Posted By: admin at 10:51 pm
Musings on writing
Sun, Jun 21 2009
It's funny what the Universe brings into your life. Before I got so busy at BonTerra, I had just stopped dating someone with whom I had a lot of fun. Once I'd gotten over the way it ended, I was ready to focus on my writing--I'd figured out how to solve the biggest issue with the novel. I'd met John from Thank God I... and was (and still am) very excited to be spending all my extra time doing stuff with them to keep me busy with something I believe in and something that will help catapult my career. Then, work got busy. So busy, in fact, that I decided to wait to start dating again; so busy I barely have enough time to do my laundry, go to the gym, or relax the way I need to, let alone find a "church", take a meditation class, or write for myself.

It's funny, though, because my Muse isn't stifled by any means. If She wants to speak, I let her. I've written more poems in the last couple weeks than I wrote in the last two-and-a-half years combined. Some come out and are ready as they are (e.g., Keep Moving). Others are written as they come, but I'll have to go back and work with them quite a bit. I think it's good that She's getting practice so that when I do have the time to sit and work on the novel, I'll be in a groove to work. I haven't stopped listening to the Universe either--I'm moving forward and getting things organized for a freelance writing business. I found someone to create a website for me & it will look amazing; I'm getting some portraits taken for the website, Thank God I..., and dust covers; and men haven't disappeared from my life altogether. Some old boyfriends came back (briefly, but they resurfaced); someone I've been acquainted with for some time has stepped forward and we're having fun chatting when we can catch each other; and a stranger has become quite a fun pen pal the last month. I'm balanced this time around. Last time this project had me working so much, I had lost myself completely. I was stuck in a box of land use plans, tract maps, air quality, noise, and every other CEQA checklist topic. I dreamt about editing sections. I'm OK this time around. I'm working hard not to get lost. I leave when it's still light, I don't work after I come home (generally), and I'm not stressing about work. I'm glad it'll calm down soon so I can focus on writing again.
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Posted By: admin at 10:43 pm
Song in my Head
Sun, Jun 21 2009
I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing (in Perfect Harmony) (Bill Backer / Billy Davis / Roger Cook / Roger Greenaway) I'd like to build the world a home And furnish it with love Grow apple trees and honey bees And snow-white turtle doves I'd like to teach the world to sing In perfect harmony I'd like to hold it in my arms And keep it company I'd like to see the world for once All standing hand in hand And hear them echo through the hills For peace throughout the land (That's the song I hear) I'd like to teach the world to sing (Let the world sing today) In perfect harmony I'd like to teach the world to sing In perfect harmony I'd like to build the world a home And furnish it with love Grow apple trees and honey bees And snow-white turtle doves
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Posted By: admin at 10:41 pm
"Friendship"
Sun, Jun 21 2009
It's interesting and fascinating to see who Facebook has brought back into my life. People I haven't seen in years, people I haven't seen since I graduated from high school, strangers I felt drawn to, people I knew briefly while in college: all these people the Universe has brought into or back into my life. In many cases, where I feel there has been a rift of some sort or we were close and lost touch, I have reached out to connect. I sent an email to reach out. In one case, it was to a bunch of girls from high school who I haven't seen since the day we graduated just to tell them about a tragedy that befell our guidance counselor. In two other cases, I've heard nothing, and it makes me wonder why they accepted my friend request in the first place. Now, the question is whether I should "unfriend" them or not. With a few people, Facebook has been able to heal my wounds and bring us closer together. It opened up a channel that we were unwilling or unable to leave open via email/phone/letters. My sensitivity to the SuperChristian world is at issue here. Both are very devout Christians and, while my faith has become much, much stronger in the last couple years, it still upsets me that they are judging me because I'm no longer a "Christian" by their definition (or, at least, that's how it seems on my end). I've known one of these women since Junior High and I think it has to do with something other than her faith, but I can't know for sure because she hasn't tried to communicate.

Do I care? Yes.
Should I care? No.

I love them nonetheless, and I am aware of my strong emotions about others' faiths. It mostly occurs with SuperChristians because I haven't dealt with my issues with the Church. That doesn't mean that I don't know this is my issue. I'm completely aware that I'm projecting this onto them and judging them because of it. I'm trying to fix that and I will speak to those people I feel I need to individually about my faith and how I didn't love them in the best way I could. It still begs the issue, though, why friend me if you were happy I was no longer in your life? If you didn't realize it until after you accepted the friend request, why keep me there, taunting me with your life, begging me to respond only to stay silent? Their silence baffles me. While I know this isn't the way most people use FB, I only "friend" people I know, and I only "friend" former students with whom I felt some sort of connection or who I respected in some way. There are plenty of students I was more than happy to be rid of--who didn't serve me and who I couldn't figure out how to serve. This is the nature of being human; I can't please everyone, nor do I try to. Perhaps I'm taking FB too seriously.
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Posted By: admin at 10:40 pm
A New Poem
Sun, Jun 21 2009
Keep Moving

I know it's hard. Oh God, I know it's hard, but move forward and go one minute at a time. The minutes will soon turn to hours will turn to days and soon it will be easier to sleep, then get up, then move on, but keep moving.

For stopping right now will only torture you more. The pain in your muscles, the ache in your heart, the questions in your brain will work themselves out.

There is one truth that exists now and has existed since the beginning of time: you are beautiful. You are beautiful. You deserve love. You deserve better. You deserve to be understood and worshiped for your beauty and your brilliance and your spirit, your courage and your strength and your fire, your passion and your security and your drive. It is all these things that both attract and repel boys.

For boys grasp onto society's lie that they're better because of their gender, and they can't resolve it when they're in your presence.

Why?

Because your aura, your energy, your perfection contradict that.

Their worship of you denies that lie and boys can't accept the truth: no one is better. We all just are. And your ability to be everything they are and more while loving and kind and giving is what draws them to you.

Makes them crave you. Turns them toward you and causes the boys to be blinded by your Light. And when they come to the point where they have to admit to themselves and the world that it's possible, it's possible to [gasp] be equal, although different, to a female, they turn away.

It's more fulfilling and much easier to live being "better" than "equal".

But don't lose heart.

There are those who move through this phase and look beyond the veil to See.

And those are Men.

Men who can love and honor and worship you for your independence, your strength, your courage to live in a world that still belittles you in 10,000 subtle ways and love it anyway.
Men who do not listen to society, pastors, friends, media.
Men who listen to the inner workings of their souls and truly hear what the Universe is telling them: We are all equal. Different, yes, but equal.
God did not make us lower than males. God did not make males higher than females. God made us all. Equal. Perfect. Beautiful.

And the day will come when the men who are drawn to us won't cower in fear at our power, our beauty, our strength, our wisdom. But will grasp on, take hold, and beg us to stay, to enrich their lives with our energy and our love and our kindness.

They will Love us for everything we are and everything we aren't.
They will love us because of our "faults" and will see our entire being. Our souls.
Our past and our future as well as our present.
They will love us for our anger at little things, for our neurotic need to clean (or our horrible way of keeping house).
They will love us because we cannot cook, but we try hard.

And, if we choose--and only if we choose--will we give them our hearts and maybe a commitment to forever. But never our souls.

The soul is what shines within us and draws others to us.
The soul is ourselves.
The soul is what guides us toward tomorrow with our eyes on today and the beauty in front of us.
The soul is what is.
It has always guided us, it guides us now, and it will guide us to death and beyond.
And when we are no longer in bodily form, our souls will live on and remind the Universe of the beauty of it all.

So do not fret, my friend, it will get easier. Your heart is broken and you feel discouraged, but your strength abounds. Your beauty transcends. Your intelligence is screaming. Your wall of courage is stronger than it looks. And life will go on.
And peace will live loudly from the center of your being.
The time is coming, but until then keep moving.
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Posted By: admin at 10:38 pm
Former Students Week
Sun, Jun 21 2009
This seems to be the week of my former students. I find it interesting that I'm becoming friends with people who I used to keep at such a distance. Granted, they could always tell me whatever was going on in their lives--and some did--but I was always very careful about sharing my opinions and details about my life with them. I'm not sure how successful I was at this; I always thought it was obvious how liberal my beliefs are and what pushed my buttons, but then, I wasn't in their shoes. I was determined to get them to form their own opinions about the world, even if they didn't seem to care. So many of them, I found, regurgitated whatever they heard from their parents or church or friends. I wanted them to think, and I still do, but it's different now. The freshmen I had my last year teaching are now freshmen in college & are adults. Some of the students I had my first year teaching are about to graduate with a four-year degree if they haven't already. At least one is married and invited me to her wedding reception. They all have their own lives and are struggling to make their dreams come true while finding themselves. I suppose that last part is something I'm struggling with too, only from the standpoint of a thirty-something instead of a twenty-something. I'm not sure if it's any easier on this side of 30 than it is on their side of 30, but some things are the same regardless of age: loneliness, heartbreak, determination, autonomy, balance.

I've found them all on Facebook--the medium that has brought people into my life that I have missed terribly and that I was happy to be rid of; although, I've found that "friending" someone from my past has become quite therapeutic as we hash out what separated us to begin with. It's interesting to me who the Universe has brought back into my life via Facebook. I find it more interesting to see who of my former students are becoming more than just former students and fit more in the "friend" category. I enjoy encouraging their art (whatever it is) and their studies and their lives. This week alone, I've had contact in some way or another with six former students. I spoke on the phone with two of them, and that is amazing to me--not just because I'm not a phone talker. When I taught, I was so...private about my life and my beliefs. I made sure I lived in a separate town and that I didn't tell my students in what city I lived. Now, I have no problem giving them my address or phone number and chatting with them as I would with my brother or another friend. In the end, I think it's about the people. They're all people with whom I've always felt I could connect in some fashion or another. At least four are artists--whether they've realized it and are manifesting it or not. I've opened up & shared something about myself to five of them. I think in the end, it's about who the Universe places in my path. I feel honored to be able to encourage and chat with those who are open enough to see that I am a person, even though I was their teacher for a time and strove to be as detached as possible. I'm sure there are those that believe I should keep my distance and stick to the "mentor"-type mentality in my discussions with them. Maybe, maybe not. I haven't decided yet, and I don't know if I will make a decision about it. I think each relationship will evolve the way the Universe has destined it to happen. It's simply up to me to make sure I lead from a balanced place and, like I did when I was teaching, learn what I can from them and their experiences, just as I do with everyone.
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Posted By: admin at 10:37 pm
Musings on busy-ness
Sun, Jun 21 2009
Current Mood: contemplative

I allowed myself to sleep in today and got to work just before 8. The day was as stressful as it normally is when I'm on a deadline for this project. Actually, this time, it's not one deadline, per se, but many between now and the end of April. It's interesting how today worked out, though. The stress was constant throughout the entire day, and I left at about 5:15 to tutor, when I was told he had a track meet & wouldn't be home until late. I left anyhow, got dinner, & went back to work for another couple hours. Strangely enough, those last two hours were blissful. No one called me, no one emailed me, no one was asking questions. It was quieter, even, than the mornings. I'm thinking I'll change my hours a bit and have a cup of coffee about 2:30ish like I did today in the hopes that this will happen often.

The fact that tutoring was canceled was a blessing, really, and I'm grateful. I'm finding that, although the Universe is running me hard, She's also finding ways to show me she's here, just like this minor thing. I'm also finding, though, that there's a ton of stuff that I need to equilibrate. Just from this week, I've realized I get irritated when I have to clean up other peoples' messes. When someone doesn't do something completely, it irks me because I end up cleaning it up for them. Also, I read an article today about the project we're currently working on. It was posted on NPR's website & was written by a Pulitzer Prize-winning writer who is against this particular project. It totally charged me and I'm still trying to figure out why. The issue, I think, is that he made his decision without looking at the document, but then, doesn't everyone make their decision without reading these documents? It's always easier to look at one side of the issue & make a judgment, isn't it? I truly try to get both sides of an argument before I make a judgment one way or another, but that's not always the case. I should ponder this further.

It just occurred to me that it could be because of the Twilight series. Strange, I know, but a friend mentioned the other day that she couldn't believe that I hadn't yet read this series. It's just not my thing, really. I could give all kinds of reasons, but most of them are the same ones I had for Harry Potter & look how much I respect & enjoy those. Is it vampires? Perhaps, I do have a minor negative charge about them. It's a bizarre thing to have a charge about, but it's there. It could also be that I truly don't agree with this project and am angry that I can't speak out one way or another on it. Maybe I also just don't agree with the community at all. I mean, I can surely give both sides to the story & tell all the reasons why this project would be good (god knows I know enough about it) & why it's necessary, etc. I haven't really allowed myself to think about it for numerous reasons. I suppose that's worth figuring out too. The author also made a judgment based on incorrect information. The population he stated was incorrect by 11,000 people. That is what seemed to irk me the most, really. I don't really know where got his information, but 11,000 people is a lot to be off. Perhaps it's just that he used incorrect information to prove his point when the document that would clear it all up is still in production. Or, perhaps I'm bitter because I'm working on this document when it seems obvious to me & to others that the Universe is against it. In any event, there's a lot to ponder before I can equilibrate any of it. Then, there's finding the time to equilibrate it, which is taking much longer than I would like. Well, at least it's the weekend; even if I am working through it, it'll be much more relaxed than normal.
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Posted By: admin at 10:33 pm
 
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»  Cash: An Autobiography--A Very Good Read
»  Coping
»  Our Purpose in Life
»  An Ironic Song About Life
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»  Song in my Head
»  "Friendship"
»  A New Poem
»  Former Students Week
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