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| Welcome to My Website |
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Welcome to my website.
Here you will find a lot of information about my services, my life, and my writing. Whether you have come to find a freelance writer and wordsmith, to read some of my writing, or just to browse around, you will find plenty of information. Feel free to email me if you have any questions about my freelancing or creative work.
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| Cash: An Autobiography--A Very Good Read |
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| Sat, Sep 19 2009 |
I credit my ex-husband with many things that have led to who I am today even if our marriage didn’t work out. The one present in my mind at the moment is my love for Johnny Cash. It began shortly after we were married and working with a youth group. He played Man in Black to describe why priests wore the dark colors. While none of the Episcopal Priests with whom we spoke (or Catholic ones I’ve ever known for that matter) ever acknowledged whether Mr. Cash’s song explained why they wore black, that one song answered a lot of questions for me. It was also the sparks of the fire that has become my complete awe at this man and his life.
The casual respect and acceptance of the fact that I appreciate this great man’s music has become, in recent years, a necessity. Johnny Cash songs run the gamut of being funny, dark, silly, and calm. Even those songs that were sung live at Folsom Prison where it’s apparent he’s fired up and excited with the energy of the people around him are laced with a calm, quite undertone that is something I understand.
So, when I came across Cash: The Autobiography in a box of free books, I had to pick it up, even though my experience with famous people’s autobiographies usually end in frustration. Most famous people (actors, singers, etc.) are great at what they do, but are not great writers. So, when I began reading, imagine my surprise when I became transfixed. I’ve read few authors that have such a distinct Voice. The disclaimer here is that, as many of my friends and family know, the vast majority of my reading is fiction, which is a completely different animal. In fact, that’s been the biggest issue I’ve had reading nonfiction is that the author’s Voice can irk me if it’s not conducive to reading (e.g., more like conversation) or if s/he hasn’t discovered her/his Voice at all and it’s a disjunct mess of stories that have no consistency.
This is far from the case with this book.
From the first page, I could hear his voice reading the words to me slowly and telling me his stories as if we’re at one of his houses, which is part of its charm. The book itself is more a collection of musings and beliefs than a cohesive story with a beginning, middle, and end. It’s separated in parts and he writes each part from a different home; each home brings forth different memories, different stories, different ideas. Throughout the entire book, though, is this calm, peaceful Voice of an elderly man who has lived an extraordinary life and simply wants to share it with you.
It’s not a page-turner by any means—it took me a couple months to read it—but it’s something that I will probably go back to, for it is dripping with wisdom. It’s not only in his words, but in his mistakes, in his triumphs, in the pride you can’t help but feel as he talks about his children and his grandchildren, the love he has for June, and the gratitude he feels to be able to live the life he was able to live.
I can say that there are few nonfiction books that have made me feel lacking at the end, and this one does it, but only as a matter of timing. I stumbled upon the book after he passed away and can give me no more. I cannot write him and tell him how much his Voice soothes me, how much his songs speak to me—a punk and rock enthusiast who turned her nose at all things country for a long time—and how much I respect his desire to live a balanced life. In return, however, I can highly recommend you read this book to soak up the wisdom of this incredibly wise, gentle man who simply wants to live his life to please his God. |
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| Posted By: admin at 06:50 pm |
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| Coping |
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| Sat, Jul 18 2009 |
Place: Home (a messy one at that)
Music: The Beatles first, then switched to the Cold Mountain Soundtrack
Dose: Cymbalta 20 mg/day
I began today working on my story for the Thank God I...book I said I'd head up: Thank God I'm Depressed. After a page-and-a-half, I stopped for a couple reasons. First, I was talking in circles. The first couple paragraphs describe depression from my point of view quite well, but getting into the point and what has brought me to the part where I'm grateful became difficult to describe so I stopped. Second, I began wondering how much would need to be changed. Since the point of Thank God I... is to equilibrate, when you write your story, someone goes through it to help you rewrite it without the emotionally charged language. I switched gears and began journaling. It became apparent to me quickly that reminding myself of how Depression affected me emotionally and physically brought me back to a Depressive state. Oh the irony!
The rest of the day has moved pretty slowly since then. Although I was able to be somewhat mindful of what I was doing and was still able to listen to where the Universe led me (first to a new spiritual bookstore in Newport, then to the Salvation Army Store, then to an open house, then home, then In 'N Out for dinner), I gave up fairly quickly on the idea of being completely mindful and turned on the radio. Singing helps me so much, I've found, that I want music on as much as possible. This week, especially, with the layoffs, I begin my day with the Cold Mountain soundtrack before moving on to something else. There's something about the rhythms and the music that soothe me in ways I can't really explain. Even now, I'm Going Home just started and I felt it through my entire being--tingles through my arms and chest that switch to goose bumps. As many issues as I have with the Christian Church, the old spirituals move me.
It's in times like these where I deny myself very little. I drive around and see what feels interesting to do.I eat comfort food--today it was In 'N Out, but Wednesday while I was waiting for the layoff announcement that I knew was coming (& missed), it was grilled cheese and fried zucchini from Bill's Burgers. I stay off the sugar and alcohol for it'll make me crash more, but I buy what feels right (today, a candle, a wishing pot, a meditation pillow, a CD, and two pairs of jeans), I listen to what will make me sing along, and tonight I'll watch at least one movie.
Since I've been weaning myself off the anti-depressants, I've found the mood swings are more severe. There's still not much anger, but there is excitement and melancholy that has gone up and down quite a few times this week. I can always pinpoint the triggers, but it's harder to get back to that even, peaceful place. It's also much easier for my mind to go bonkers and for me to over-analyze things, leading to worry. The issue with weaning myself off the pills is not the side effects (although they are a pain--that scratching that I can hear in my brain is particularly irksome), but the realization that I need to be particularly vigilant about controlling my thoughts. It's so easy for me to focus on what I don't have (a partner, a condo, a finished novel) rather than what I do have (family and friends that love and support me, two cats that provide hours of entertainment, plenty of books to read and movies to watch, and a great job with great people, among many other things).
So at this moment, I'm asking myself, why am I thankful I'm depressed?
The goal of being anti-depressant free has forced me to learn how to cope with those feelings--both good and bad--that wash over me in tidal waves.
- It forces me to spoil myself, which I still have issues doing, but which I'm learning to do.
- It forces me to slow down, for the physical ache in my veins hinders me from going very quickly.
- Today, it's given me the craving for song.
- It's helped me listen to the Universe and what places I should go that will help me for the time being.
While it's not easy, it is what the Universe has given me and I know it can be worse. I know it has been worse. I also know that it will be better tomorrow. I just need to get through each minute of each hour of the rest of this day (that's one important thing I learned from the guy I dated who was in AA). Sleep will make things better. Tomorrow is another day. In the meantime, I'm just going slowly and trying to focus on the good. |
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| Posted By: admin at 09:40 pm |
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